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her confidence is tragic
and her intuition... magic
i thought my work was amazing before, but it's only gotten better. i was just starting to settle in to being the assistant to the firm admin, and kind of just being a jack-of-all-trades in the law firm. then, we hired a new attorney. the law firm has been exclusively an HOA law firm, but the new attorney that the partners brought is in a bad faith litigator. he basically represents homeowners against insurance companies. no one in the office has ever done work like that before, and the firm decided i would be the best fit to be his paralegal. i was kind of nervous because i had never even met him before and i had no idea what he really did. despite having gotten my paralegal certificate, i had NO experience as a paralegal, and frankly expected to have to pay my dues for a while before i would be at all ready to really work as an actual paralegal.

it's been about six weeks of working together now, and it's so freaking awesome. i've had to learn a lot, because i've never done any of this before. but i love it, and i know i'm learning quickly. i'm drafting pleadings and scheduling depositions and filing documents with the court. drafting correspondence to opposing counsel. i can't help a little glow when people ask what i do now, and i can say completely truthfully that i'm a paralegal. and you know what? i'm a damn good one. this profession is perfectly suited to me, and i can't believe all the dominoes just fell perfectly for me to end up in the position i'm in now.

my attorney's name is chris, and he's awesome. we get along really well, and i just love the work we're doing. i got called into the name partner's office like two weeks ago, which was terrifying. but he had called me in there to show me an email chris had sent him, saying how i was "truly outstanding" and despite having worked with lots of paralegals, most with more experience, he was extremely impressed by my drive, my work ethic, my willingness to dive into anything. damn, that felt good.

the only downside is, i basically got jumped over the girl who trained me when i first started interning there. she definitely expected to be the new attorney's paralegal, and i could feel her resentment for the past few weeks. then, last week, she just walked out. so now the rest of us are trying to cover the extra work and figure out how to survive until we can hire someone new. i've been going in early, skipping lunch, and staying late. there's always so much work. me and chris have a ridiculous number of cases, and each one has incredibly important deadlines that we have to meet. it's tough!

i could never have imagined that this is where i would end up, when ex moved out two years ago. it felt like my life was over. and now it feels like life is just beginning, and is so much better, so much more fulfilling. i LOVE my job. i feel an incredible sense of accomplishment every single day. i don't even have that much of a life outside of work. everyone who works there feels like a friend, and most of the time, i'd rather be at work than at home.

i feel like the future is bright. chris is a really great attorney, and he's bringing the firm a lot of business and making a lot of money. i think i've become pretty indispensable to him - actually, i know i have. he tells me all the time. so i think there's a TON of room for growth. to maybe get my own office, to make more money, to gain incredible experience. i could see myself doing this for a long time.

and really, if ex had never left and acted like an asshole, i wouldn't be where i am right now. so i guess i can't complain too much about that!
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i haven't updated in ages. life has been busy.

overall, everything is SO GOOD. i'm a little melancholy tonight, though. so of course my go-to is listening to damien rice and writing. divorce is so fucking hard. and honestly, not because of being divorced. it's only hard, in every possible way, when it comes to finn. i'm often surprised by how little i care that i'm on my own now. actually, it's not that i don't care - i LOVE being on my own. i continue to avoid anyone remotely well-suited because i just can't. i'm so free. i feel like i spent years in prison and now i'm out and why would i want to go back? if we didn't have a child together, i would very cheerfully never to speak to my ex again for the rest of my life. but we DO. so my life is a constant struggle of trying to get along; trying to negotiate a path of what is best for finn; trying to accept the changes HE has made that affect me, and finn. i struggle to accept my complete lack of control over 50% of finn's life. i'm a fierce mama bear when it comes to my son, and some of the stuff that has happened, i just don't like. today honestly annoyed the shit out of me.

going back to school, while working part time and being a full-time single parent, was HARD. it was so worth it, though. i finished my internship at the law firm where my sister helped me get my foot in the door. i ended up absolutely loving it - the people, the culture, the work. it's a small office, only like ten people total. it's like a family. and this little niche, working in property management law, fits me to a tee. i was super nervous, but everyone there loved me too, and once my internship was over, they offered me a full time job. it's been weird getting back into the working world after like 7 seven years out of it, but honestly, it's not as hard as i thought it might be. i often felt like a single parent anyway. i did absolutely everything around the house, plus a million other things. now, working is kind of like a vacation! then i just do the same stuff i always did anyway - the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the grocery shopping, paying the bills, and also all the child care. now i'm much less resentful because i'm doing that stuff for myself, not for someone else who doesn't help and also doesn't appreciate.

i don't think i ever really said (outside of my tiny circle) that ex accused me of basically being a free-loader with no ambition during our very ugly separation. it really, REALLY hurt at the time. in fact, my self-esteem was shattered for a pretty long time, and i've spent the past two years rebuilding it. i can look back now and laugh. yes, i stayed home with finn, but it's not like it was EASY. i know it's not something he could've ever done. i did it for myself, but i also feel that going back to school while working and single-parenting was kind of a giant FUCK YOU to him.

it makes me sad that it's taken me so long to see these things. i don't need to prove anything to anyone... but since the divorce, i've learned so much about myself. i've made so many friends. i've found support in the unlikeliest of places. i've regained my sense of fun, my love of life, my sense of MYSELF. i love working, and chatting with my coworkers, and going out with my friends on the weekends. i wish it hadn't taken so long, and so many different people, to repair the damage ONE person did to me. i said at the time, everything he did and said was like a bomb exploding in the middle of my life, and it was. it caused so fucking much damage. not only to me. to so many people. to so many things.

it's repaired now, though. i'm better than before. my LIFE is better than before, by a long shot. i love finn; my family; my friends; my job. i've tried to open myself up to the possibility of another relationship, but i don't think it would really increase my sense of fulfillment.

so that's where i am. i'm working. it's a job i love, and i have a 12 minute commute. finn is about to start 1st grade. i've made friends - from tru fit, from my paralegal classes, from my job, from finn's school. almost everything is good. trying to co-parent is sometimes it's own special brand of hell, but i keep working at it, because i want finn to be happy and well-adjusted. sometimes i wish my life had taken a different path, but if that meant i wouldn't have finn, then it's not worth it. i went through a really tough year, but i came out so much better on the other side. so i guess i can't really imagine a different life.
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so i got another tattoo today! it's burning like crazy right now. it's my biggest one so far - took about an hour. i still have like three more i want!

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mostly writing on tumblr now!
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i kind of feel like i could be jinxing myself, but i'm going out on a date tomorrow night. with a guy i am currently really into. we've talked for hours on the phone and he is SO easy to talk to. i'm really comfortable just being myself and we have tons in common.

i'm kind of scared because he's the first person i've been legitimately interested in dating since the divorce. i really, really hope it goes well and we like each other as much in person as we do on the phone and online.
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i made a resolution to paper journal every single day of 2015. i'm 23 days in and have been successful so far. only 342 days left! i think i can do this, and one day i'll look back at 2015 as a major transitional year, and it'll be interesting to have it all documented. i've been so busy recently, i'm hoping i can keep it up.
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happy new year, i guess!

2014 has been SHIT. at least the past three months.

2015 cannot be worse, so thus, it has to be better. fingers crossed.
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me and finn got back from virginia yesterday in the afternoon. it was a good visit, but it was also nice to sleep in my own bed last night. finn had a lot of fun with his cousin - they got to jump on the trampoline, and on saturday we had a BBQ and jaime rented a bouncy castle. finn and stephen jumped in there for hours, even though it rained and was kind of a mess. i just put finn in his swimsuit and he had a great time. i got to play with yummy little charlotte and got snuggles from henry and mostly took it easy. we did the fantasy football draft, and i got to see my favorite people on saturday at the bbq. i had a few little bottles of wine, we had burgers and hot dogs and talked about all the crazy stuff from college we all remember. it was good times. i don't miss much about virginia, but i do miss my people!

when i got back yesterday, gavin and i filled out the paperwork for the options we own and he sent that via overnight mail, so we'll get the second round of payment in the next week or two, i would think. the crew is coming to start finishing our basement tomorrow (!) and i think we might go furniture shopping this weekend. we've been wanting to get a new couch for probably 8 months now, but we've been waiting on it. schroeder sheds a lot and i can't wait to get a leather couch that won't attract white dog hair like a magnet. i'm pretty excited about the basement - we're going to have one side be an office, the other side will be a big TV room with all of gavin's game systems, and i'm going to have a little closet for all my wine! we're putting hardwood floors in the basement, so we're also going to take the opportunity to rip out the carpet on the main floor and put hardwoods in there, which we've been talking about for two years, probably. the cat has scratched the carpet to hell, and the dog has vomited on it various times. we've had it professionally cleaned probably five times, and it's such a pain. hardwood seems easier!

i got back in the gym this morning after our little trip, and it was nice to be back on the treadmill. i thought i would be exhausted, but it felt good. hot yoga is tonight and i hope i can survive it! i think i'll take a little time off saturday yoga during the fall so we can go out and do fun things, like the zoo or hiking, but i'll get back to it in winter, and i can always go on wednesdays. my yoga teacher just started teaching a barre class on thursdays, so i might check that out and see if i like it.

also, i'm turning 32 in about two weeks. when in the world did i get so old?? and finn will be turning 5 a month after that. he's so grown up! he's grown a few inches just in the last month or two, and slimmed down. he looks like a big kid, not a toddler at ALL. i'm kind of glad he's not starting kindergarten until next year. i'm going to enjoy every minute of this last year with him, and hopefully i'll be ready to let him grow up when next fall rolls around!
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so, the good news i've been sitting on for months now is this - gavin's company was in the process of being bought out, and now everything is closed and finished. and because we own a good amount of stock in the company, we're making out like bandits. today, we're finally getting the first of two checks we've been waiting for, and it's a LOT of money. i can finally stop worrying about money, as long as we're smart. we'll get another check in a few weeks, and then one more check from escrow within 18 months. it's kind of nice to have it all spread out like this. this whole thing has been in the works since the beginning of the year, and we were starting to wonder if it was ever going to happen! gavin is going to have the check in hand in about 5 minutes, and then he's heading home so we can go deposit it. so it's actually real, and i'm completely excited and still sort of bemused by the whole thing.

and finn and i head out to virginia on thursday to visit jaime and the family, and finn's super excited. he asks me every day how many days are left until we go. he can't wait to see his cousin stephen. i'm glad i was able to book this trip for him, it's making him so happy. and hopefully we can do it more often in the future, now that i won't have to worry so much about the cost of two plane tickets.

i've been going to the gym every day still, taking a day off here and there. me and gavin have been hanging in there with yoga, and i love it and hate it at the same time. it's such a great workout but it's so hard! my muscles are sore for days after a class. i feel really strong and accomplished once the class is over, though. so it's overall a really good thing.

it's almost fall, which i could not love more. i'm completely ready for fantasy football, and mornings at the zoo, and hot chocolate and cooler weather. we're planning on getting our basement redone - we've already had a guy out who had loads of fun ideas and we're going to try to get that started soon. then we can have a perfect place for football during the season where finn will also be able to hang out and have fun and do other things, since he finds football extremely boring. hopefully that'll change as he gets older!

okay, i'm exhausted from a hard workout this morning. i'm going to go relax!
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i'm pretty tuckered out. since the gym opened, i've gone every single day (except one, when i walked schroeder instead). gavin's work is running a step challenge, which has been going since the beginning of june, and it ends tomorrow. i'm super ready for it to be over, so i can tone it down just a little bit. they have some big prizes up for grabs for anyone who finishes the whole program, so that's why i'm still trucking away. i usually do the gym for a full hour every morning, and gavin and i have been doing yoga together every wednesday and saturday as well, so it's getting to be just a bit too much. i really like going and it's a great part of my routine now, but a day or two off once in a while would be nice, i think. i feel in the best shape of my life, though, so that's a major positive. i like the treadmill on the regular for cardio - i'm not a huge runner, so i usually just walk but put a decent incline on the treadmill and walk quickly, so i can burn a lot of calories. i ran a mile at the gym last weekend for the first time in years, and i ran it in 11:30. it's not as fast as i'd like (aiming for 10:00 flat) but it's better than i've been able to do in a long time! and then yoga two days a week is great for toning up my muscles. me and gavin are in an intermediate class, so it's pretty hard, and she turns the heat to 80, so i sweat like a freaking pig the whole time. always feel really good when i finish though!

i booked plane tickets for me and finn for the end of august to fly back to virginia, and my mom is coming with us to visit jaime. finn has been asking to visit his cousin stephen for months, so i finally caved in and we're going to do it. i know he's going to have a great time, and that makes me happy. i'm looking forward to it, too. we got our plane tickets almost free, because we had three vouchers from our hellish experience in barcelona after the cruise, so at least something good came out of the whole thing!

big news on the horizon, maybe in two weeks or so. things have been dragging on forever, but i think we're almost there. and no, there is not going to be another baby!

my favorite time of year is approaching - i'm really sick of summer. it's been too hot and we haven't been getting out to do all that much. but once september is here, we can get back to going to the zoo all the time, and maybe some hiking, and take finn to santa's workshop. my birthday will be here, fantasy football will be here, then finn's birthday and halloween and thanksgiving and christmas! from fall to the end of the year is just my absolute favorite. i can't wait to get back into the swing of it all, and we have a lot of stuff coming up that's making me happy and excited.

oh, we bought a new bed frame, finally. our old one broke at least 1.5 years ago, and we've just had our mattresses on the floor. looked like we lived in a frat house. so we got a gorgeous new bed frame and i got some really nice bed linens, and i am IN LOVE with the bed now. it's as comfy as a hotel bed, but it's mine! finn has actually been sleeping in his own bed for the past week, so times are changing, i guess.

gavin's parents drove us thursday afternoon and picked up finn for a fun overnight visit, so me and gavin went out on a date. we did dinner at the white chocolate grill, which is SO GOOD. the regular food is delicious, but the desserts are freaking amazing. we shared a white chocolate brownie, and it was divine. then we drove back to southlands and saw a movie. the movie theater is super nice, and i got some wine and gavin got a beer, and it was really nice. such a fun date night on a thursday evening, and then i got to bum it all day friday until we met up with the mulligans for dinner to get him back.

yoga was brutal this morning, so i'm worn out now and i'm going to be a bum for most of the day!
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